You think you know. . .but you have no idea

i la la love you

2004-11-07T10:56:06Z

its 2:51AM and i jsut hung up with you
all i can say is
you make me so fuckin happy
and
I'm so in love with you

g.o.o.d.n.i.g.h.t
<33

time to knock the fuck out

linds_dontdance @ 2004-10-17T21:04:00

2004-10-18T05:15:41Z

This weekend was random . . .like always. Jenel had a softball tounament in Santa Barbara which is about 4 hours away from here, so at like 11 on Friday night i decided that i was gonna drive down and surprise her. I woke up later so instead of leaving at like 5 in the morning i didnt leave till 7.. . .but i still made it before the 1st game was over, then there were 2 more.

I had planned on driving back after the games but since her parents love me soo much they insisted that i stay with them. . .so i did.

That night we went for a walk to the pier and on the way back it started POURING on us, we were soaked. . .and Jenel jumping in EVERY puddle sure didnt help

Then we watched SAVED. . .real random, but entertaining

Then me and Jenel went to bed pretty early cause she was wore out. well we didnt go to sleep right away. . .we "talked" for a bit. . then we went to bed.

She was suppose to have games today but they got cancelled cause the fields were all wet. . .so we went to breakfast and we said our "goodbyes" and we went our separate ways :(

There are some of my new friends here at SJSU (from the left)Amanda, Nicole(my roomate), Steph, two randoms and Rhea

Thats my baby (my new car) and Jenel washing it

Jenel and her pose

She's so fuckin cute

MuAh!

I love you

linds_dontdance @ 2004-10-14T18:29:00

2004-10-15T01:37:27Z

I'm sick, i was up all last night writing a paper, and i had a midterm today. . . .BUT thats ok cause today is still a good day cause
.

.

.

its out 1 MONTH. . .I <3 you babe. . .you mean so much to me xoxoxo

linds_dontdance @ 2004-10-12T23:55:00

2004-10-13T06:58:43Z

"Lets Be Us Again"- Lonestar

Tell me what I have to do tonight
'Cause I'd do anything to make it right
Let's be us again

I'm sorry for the way I lost my head
I don't know why I said the things I said
Let's be us again

Here I stand
With everything to lose
And all I know is I don't want to ever see the end
Baby please, I'm reaching out for you
Won't you open up your heart and let me come back in
Let's be us again

Oh us again

Look at me, I'm way past pride
Isn't there some way that we can try
To be us again
Even if it takes a while
I'll wait right here until I see that smile
That says we're us again

Here I stand
With everything to lose
And all I know is I don't want to ever see the end
Baby please, I'm reaching out for you
Won't you open up your heart and let me come back in
Let's be us

Baby baby what would I do
I can't imagine life without you

Here I stand
With everything to lose
And all I know is I don't want to ever see the end
Baby please, I'm reaching out for you
Won't you open up your heart and let me come back in

Oh, here I am
I'm reaching out for you
So won't you open up your heart and let me come back in
Let's be us again

Oh let's be us again

x.o.x.o.x.o.

This sucks

2004-10-12T07:07:29Z

I really dont understand why this has to happen to me. . .not once but twice. I find someone who is exactly what i've been looking for and that i fall for except there is one MAJOR problem. . .there is 350 miles keeping us apart.

Since i did this last year with someone else i went into this knowing it was going to be hard. . really hard, but up until tonight i hadn't really realized just how hard its going to be. Since we've been going out we havent gone more than 2 weeks without seeing each other because i've been driving home a lot, but tonight she told me that, "i probably need to stay up here for a while and get use to things." Even though i know that thats probably a good idea and i know that its not because she doesnt want to see me, hearing her say those words still left me with nothing to say, and i couldnt help but cry. Thanksgiving is a long ways away and it not that i dont think that i can last that long;I have no doubt in my mind that i can and will wait as long as i have to. I'm not saying i dont think she can or is willing to wait till then either, but i can only be certain of how i feel, i dont know all of the thoughts that cross her mind. I hope to God that she does wait till then, but at the same time i feel like i'm being selfish. I mean these are her high school years. Shes suppose to be having fun and hooking up with people, not having to wait for someone who is 6 hours away to come home. I would hate for her to feel like she missed out on something. I would rather me be alone then have her regret something. All i want is for her to be happy. . .

"Every time I see your face, my heart smiles
Every time it feels so good, it hurts sometimes"

I hate that i cant see you everyday. i hate that i can kiss you goodnight every night. I hate that i cant go watch your games. I hate that when you have a bad day i cant be there to make you feel better. I hate that i cant jsut hold your hand or lay with you whenever i want. I hate that it seems like right when i get to see you i have to say "goodbye" . . .BUT YOURE WORTH IT

I dunno, i'm in a really weird mood right now. I have so many different thoughts running through my head. I would hate for distance to be the reason things end up not working out. I dont think we're at that point, but i think that when the end does come, that will be the reason. and i think thats a fucked up way to end if thats the only thing wrong in the relationship, but you can only stand to be away from the person you love for so long before it gets to be too much. I'm not even close to that point though, and i hope that you arent either.

"Everything"- Lifehouse

[find me here
speak to me
i want to feel you
i need to hear you
you are the light
that is leading me
to the place where
i find peace again
you are the strength
that keeps me walking
you are the hope
that keeps me trusting
you are the life to my soul
you are my purpose
you are everything
and how can i
stand here with you
and not be moved by you
would you tell me
how could it be
any better than this
you calm the storms
you give me rest
you hold me in your hands
you won't let me fall
you still my heart
and you take my breath away
would you take me in
would you take me deeper now
'cause you're all i want
you are all i need
you are everything
everything]

xoxoxo
goodnight
i love you

For YOU

2004-10-05T16:42:17Z

This makes me think about you. . .

"Always You" - Amber Pacific

I'll hold a place for you and I
Inside my heart for you and I
I won't forget these tears I cried
With every year that passes by

And I can't sleep without you
And I can't breathe anymore

Good times last forever
I'll keep my heart with yours
For every minute I am gone (I am gone)
Swear you'll never leave me
I'll be there every time
In your heart and in your eyes

I'll give it up this time again
Some things are better left unsaid
And all I have are lasting dreams
Our word's worth more this time it seems

And I can't sleep without you
And I can't breathe anymore

Good times last forever
I'll keep my heart with yours
For every minute I am gone (I am gone)
Swear you'll never leave me
I'll be there every time
In your heart and in your eyes

Good times last forever
I'll keep my heart with yours
For every minute I am gone (I am gone)
Swear you'll never leave me
I'll be there every time
In your heart and in your eyes (In your eyes)

Good times last forever
I'll keep my heart with yours
For every minute I am gone (I am gone)
Swear you'll never leave me
I'll be there every time
In your heart and in your eyes (In your eyes)

In your eyes

linds_dontdance @ 2004-10-03T05:47:00

2004-10-03T12:54:51Z

wow i havent posted in forever. . .i havent been up to too much . . .i had mym soc midtern thisw eekn i think i kicked its ass. .. .dude this weekdend was like the forst weenkiedn i've been home in a long ass timw. . .thursday night we went to the student union to wahtch the [pres debate. . .then friuday nght james took me and danrema to dinner at Applebees then we went to hre movies to see Shark tale . . .it was real funny . ..today all tjhe girs went to the breach at SAntws cruz . ..it was really cold but it was fun. . .then we went to the SJSU football game . . .we won GO SPARTANS!!. . .then we wetn to Popeyes chicken .. .then at like 12:30 we met up with jessie and her firneds to drink. . ..my roomate and friends letft early but i satyed. . . .we ended up walking to thr "pink house" dont ask. . . .then at liek 5:30 we walked home. . .then we say a cop and he was tlaing us and he gave te other grils a ride hoeme . ..sp i rode along with him. . .it was soo tight we rode around san jose in a cop car. . .and the best part weas he knew we were drunk and didint care. . .then he dropped me off. . babe you should be getting up right now so imma call you and its 5:55 make a wihsh xoxoxoxo i hope your games go well today and you ply well. . . .i miss you soo much. . . ok i think its time for some sleep. . .night

linds_dontdance @ 2004-09-20T11:52:00

2004-09-20T20:23:43Z

This past weekend was great. The only thing that sucked was having to say "goodbye" and drive away from your house. I can spend every minute of every day with you and still not get enough of you. I alway leave wanting more. You're great. . .but knowing you, you probably already know that haha.

I hope you know how much you mean to me
I hope you know how happy you make me
I hope you know that i want you and only you
I hope you dont want to fire me anytime soon hahah
I hope that i can give you want you want

I hope you feel somewhat the same

Aye Aye Aye babe i miss you too damn much. . . but i guess the distance makes me appreciate every kiss a little more and just getting to lay with you in my arms

You consume my thoughts every minute that i'm awake, and when i'm lucky, even when i'm dreaming at night.

FINCH - Letters to You

"Can't you see that i wanna be there with open arms
It's empty tonight and i'm all alone
Get me through this one
Do you notice i'm gone?
Where do you run to so far away?
I want you to know that I miss you I miss you so
I want you to know that I miss you I miss you so
I'm writing again these letters to you on much I know
But i'm not sleeping and you're not here
The thought stops my heart
Do you notice i'm gone?
Where do you run to so far away?
I want you to know that I miss you I miss you so
I want you to know that I miss you I miss you so
I want you to know that I miss you I miss you so
I want you to know that I miss you I miss you so
No more looking i've found her
I want you to know that I miss you I miss you so
I want you to know that I miss you I miss you so
I want you to know that I miss you I miss you so
I want you to know that I miss you I miss you so
I'm gone away..."

XoXoXo

AYE AYE AYE

2004-09-15T22:50:16Z

First off i have say that "WE" are now official as of 11:59 last night :)

It seems like everything in my life, accept #33 haha, is not going too well. Sooo much god damn drama with me and my parents all because i pierced my tongue. Its so dumb they wont call me, but i know they are soo pissed cause everyone they have talked to has called to tell me.. . .but they wont call me. i wish they would jsut call me, get mad at me and get over it. . .cause i'm going home this weekend and i dont want to deal with it. If we are gonna be fighting i'll just stay somewhere else. Me aunt and uncle already told me i can stay there whenever i want. My aunt is even making me my own key.

I havent gone to class all day. I missed Soc and right now i'm supose to be in my Comm 20 class. . .fuck it. At 6 i have to go to handball. i cant not go cause didnt go last week. God i have so much shit to do tonight and before i leave tomorrow. i NEED to do laundry and a shit load of English hw.

kk i'm gonna try and do sometihng productive. . . but dont count on it

One more day babe!!

xoxoxo

linds_dontdance @ 2004-09-08T12:21:00

2004-09-08T23:57:44Z

I had a fuckin awesome weekend at home. . .

THURSDAY
we ended up leaving here at like 6:30 and i didnt get home till 12:30. After i dropped Nicole off in La Cinata i got pulled over. I was fuckin shitting my pants cause i was going 95 mph. They made me do a sobriety test and i told them i was soo sorry and that i was on my way home from college and i was jsut anxious to see my mom blah blah blah. . .and the whole time i was crying. The officer said he could impound my car, arrest me and give me a $1300 ticket. . . BUT he said since i told him the truth about how fast i was going and that i had never been pulled over that he would let me go. . .all i have to do it do some good things for others. Its amazing what crying can get you out of. Then when i pulled into my drive way my new car was there waiting for me. Its a white Scion XB with grey Scion decals on the sides. Its so cute.

FRIDAY
During the day i hung out Jenel. We went to In N Out and then we drove to the beach. Too bad we only had time to go pie at a gas station then we had to head back home cause we were going to Layola Marymount to watch Jenny play. After i dropped everyone off at home i went back to Jenels house to watch a movie. I guess it was sorta fun. ahahah j/k

SATURDAY
I went to Tash's house. Vanessa made me breakfast then we jsut hung out. Then i went and had sushi with the family. I gotta hang out with them a bit while im home or else i'd be in trouble. It was fun though. After dinner i was gonna go to a party with Ness and Tash, but it was in Long Beach and i had to be home at 1 so there was no point in going so. . . .again i went to Jenels house and we jsut hung out and watched more movies.

SUNDAY
Vanessa made me breakfast again. . .man o man she loves me ahah. then i went to the beach. we were having a big bon fire with my family and family friends. I swear to god ive never seen the beach so crowded in my life. I guess Huntington was closed cause of unhealthful water, so EVERYONE and their mom was trying to go to Bolsa Chica. We ended up finding a pit at the dog beach. I had to park like a mile and a half away. no lie. . .and it was hotter than hell. Jenel and her family were also at the beach so they dropped her off where we were. I didnt want her to come, but like she really wanted to be there so i was like what the hell ahahaha j/k It was fun, until she wouldnt stop splashing me aye aye aye soo annoying. then we played football and i had to let her win cause she cant stand to lose. i'm soo nice. After we went back to my aunts house and swam and relaxed in the jacuzzi. Then her mom called bitching that she had to go home. . .so AGAIN we went back to her house and watched some more movies. good time good times.

MONDAY
Unfortunately i had to come back home on monday. it was a long ass trip. it took like 7 hours cause there was mean ol traffic.

TODAY (WEDNESDAY)
not much accept i FINALLY pierced mt tongue. i was soo excited. God my mom is gonna KILL me. It was funny i did it like an hour before my speech class and i had to give a speech today. fuck it. . .now i have a shit load of hw to do AND i'm suppose to go to my handball class at 6 but i dont know if imma go.

I MISS YOU BABEE!!!!!!

HOME!!!

2004-09-03T00:47:20Z

562 HERE I COME!!! YAY I'M SO HAPPY TO BE GOING HOME. There are soo many people that i want to see. You would never think that you would ever miss Downey. . .but you actually do. I'm leaving in about 20 mins IF the three other people i'm taking are ready. . .they better be. Its gonna be a long ass night. i should be home by about 1 in the morning. Starbuck's Double Shots are going to be my best friend.

linds_dontdance @ 2004-08-29T20:15:00

2004-08-30T03:48:59Z

Let me start off my saying that i feel like i have been beatin up. I am soo fuckin sore. Me and danmar went camping with Kathy ( danmars roomate) and her family at some lake a few hours from here. It was a lot of fun, besides the whole sleeping on the floor, but i guess thats part of camping.

So friday night after we set up all the tents and stuff the fun started. Her parents insisted that we all start our night of drinking with shots of Patron, which was more than fine with me. That was followed by a few Smirnoff Triple Blacks, a couple of Vanilla Vodka and root beers and of course a few more shots. Around 2:30 everyone went to bed. Thats when i made my random drunken call.

*** I dont know what it is, but i really enjoy your company. You make me laugh. . .and think when i'm drunk ahaha. I really hated that my phone died cause i could have talked to you all night. I dont know that you feel the same way, but yeah. I cant wait until you get home so that i can talk to you cause i miss hearing your voice. I would call you, but youre at some basketball BBQ and i dont want to bug you. . . so i'll wait.***

Saturday we were woken up entirely too early to go out onto the lake. WE had fun though. I showed them all up on the wakeboard ahahah j/k. . .but i did do pretty well.

This morning i woke up soo stiff and sore. I swear i cant bent over or turn my head or even walk without hobbling. Once i got home i took a much needed shower and did two loads of laundry. I'm so proud of myself. It was the first time IN MY LIFE that i have done laundry all on my own. My mom has always done it for me. . .i know i know a little pathetic but oh well. Now i'm jsut watching the VMA's and "attempting" to get some of my reading done. . .but i dont think its gonna happen.

linds_dontdance @ 2004-08-27T02:43:00

2004-08-27T09:51:57Z

I jsut got home, or to my room. Tonight was pretty gay. There was a frat party, but as we were on our wat there we got acall saying ot was broken up....so we just make a trip to the good ol liquor store and bought some "stuff:" then we went tp Blockbuster.

We rented TAking lieves with Angolina Jolie. My fucking god she si THE sexiest thing on earth. . .anyways since we were drinking aznd we had random people stop by the room i only actually watched like 20 mins or it. . .oh well.

So this guy john came up to the roonm and told us to go doen to Perry's rooom with him. It was rpretty boring there too so after i finished my drink i made my way back to my room. . .and now i am here babbling on and on. . but fuck it

Tomorrow i dont have any classes sp my ass can sleep as late as i want

All night i kept texting "someone" but they never answered me. . .whatever its cool, i guess, i get it

goodnight everyone </3333

College girl

2004-08-26T23:57:59Z

So yesterday was the first day of school. My sociology class at 10:30 seems pretty cool. The professor is really young and nice. We only have 3 exams and 3 papers all semester AND the best part is there is NO midterm OR final. hell yea.

A bunch of us went to lunch in the DC. The food isnt too bad. . .some things are sorta iffy. . .but the salad bar never fails. There this guy Dennis from Germany. Man oh man is he a strange one.

Then at 3 i had my public speaking class. That class absolutely terrifies me. Public speaking is seriously like my number one biggest fear. . .in life. The professor seems alright though, at least from what i could tell. You can barely understand him. He's this little Asian man and he jsut got back from spending like 3 months in Asia so he english is far from great. Fuck it, i at least can be understood so right there i'm ahead of him. I think we have to do like 5 speeches throughout the semester. We'll see is i survive.

So around 6 me and Danmar headed over to the Event Center which is like right outside our door, for our HANDBALL class. Now you would think that it would be joke class. . .but let me tell you, it was far from it. Our instructor is some 86 year old handball award winning pro and he is fuckin serious about it. Gramps even made us stretch even though we werent gonna play. I'm not too sure he's all there if you know what i mean. Supposably he's gonna turn all of us into pro handball player. . .we'll jsut see about that.

Then after hearing about how exciting handball is for two hours we had to go to a hall meeting for an hour and a half. Fuckin gay.

Later i got a call from some cocky Italian named Jenel ahaha. We talked for about an hour. She makes me laugh. Then my phone decided to die. Soo i went to bed.

Today was my second day of classes. I had English which seems like its gonna be pretty damn hard, and my Men and Women in Society class which seems interesting. We'll see. . .

linds_dontdance @ 2004-08-24T20:40:00

2004-08-25T03:45:48Z

I've been pretty busy these last couple of days. We're trying not to waste these last few days of summer. It sucks we get jipped this year. . .but i guess we make it up at X-mas. i think we get like 5-6 weeks. Anyways. . .

SUNDAY night me, Danmar and Cathy went to Cathy's house for a home cooked meal. My fucking god it was soo good. We had pasta and chicken and salad. . . definitely a well-needed break from school food. . .and we havent even been eating it for very long. After we ended up jsut drinking in Danmar and Cathy's room with robert. We were able to find a liquor store that would sell to us, its right off of campus. . . let me tell you how nice it is to have two friends with fake ID's. So we attempted to watch Animal House, but we all seemed to be a bit preoccupied. Around 11 Evan, Kye, Bryan, Jermaine Dupree's twin and some other guys came by the room. Fight Club was playing for free at midnight and some place right up the street, but by the time we all walked over there it was 12:30, so like always we missed it. Oh well.

MONDAY night there was a dance in the DC. Other than being hotter than hell it ended up being pretty cool. Not like i have a problem with it. . but seriously it seems like my whole school is black.. . .after the dance me and danamr were in Dominique, one of the RA's room jsut talking and we almost got written up cause i guess we were being loud and it was "quiet hours" but whatever we got out of it.

TODAY my lazy ass didnt get out of bed till like 11:40. Then jsut as i was about to take a shower the damn cleaning lady went in and wouldnt let anyone in. Later me, Robert, Danmar and Cathy went and watched Napoleon Dynamite. It was one of THE stupidest but funny movies ever. Then we went and grubbed in the DC. Now i'm trying to get all my shit together for the first day of classes tomorrow. I'm a little nervous. My 10:30 Soc class should be fine, but i'm terrified of my 3:00 Comm class. Public speaking is by far my biggest fear. But fuck it i have to gt it over with. At least me and Danmar have that class together. Then at 6:00 me and Danmar have the BEST class ever HANDBALL. I know all of you are jealous.

Oh yea I want to wish my friend Jenel a HAPPY 16th BIRTHDAY!! Its so on when i get home. xoxo

linds_dontdance @ 2004-08-21T14:48:00

2004-08-21T22:04:55Z

God danm its been FOREVER. If i knew how i would get a completely new journal because this one has way too much old history on it that i am trying to forget about. . . but in the mean time this one will do.

This summer was fuckin awesome. I went to Lake havasu for a week, back East to Connecticut for a week and on a week cruise to cabo, mazatlan and puerto vellarta. The cruise was by far the best fucin trip ever.

Now i am getting settled into my dorm room here at San Jose. I moved in on Wednesday. Tash drove up with me and stayed with me the first night. She has no idea how much having her here with me helped. I hated seeing her leave the next day. I miss her like crazy. Its ok though, cause i have Danmar, Robert, Jessie, and the JJ's. We represent the 562. WE ALL MUST STAY STRONG AND NOT PICK UP NOR CAL TALK. Ever time i hear someone say "HELLA" or "HECKA" i feel like slitting my throat. It's pretty chill here, but it will take some getting use to cause it doesnt feel like home. My roomate is really nice, but really neat and quiet. I dont really see us hanging out. I could be wrong. . .we'll see.

linds_dontdance @ 2004-04-17T22:58:00

2004-04-18T06:12:33Z

I cant believe prom is in 2 weeks and i dont have a dress yet and i dont know what i'm doing after. Tomorrow me and harrison are gonna hang out and figure out all our plans. I know i'll have fun once i'm there, i jsut hate all of the stuff leading up to it, like shopping for a dress and getting ready.

I dont know why but no matter how much sleep i get i always feel tired and just kinda blah. . .and i am so over school right now these last two months need to be over.

The Postal Service -"Nothing Better"

Will someone please call a surgeon
who can crack my ribs and repair this broken heart
that you're deserting
for better company?
I can't accept that it's over
and I will block the door
like a goalie tending the net
in the third quarter
of a tied-game rivalry.
So just say how to make it right
and I swear I'll do my best to comply. . .

</3

linds_dontdance @ 2004-04-15T13:23:00

2004-04-15T21:12:13Z

You said that you would never look at my journal again, but i'm hoping that you said that because you were mad, and that you didnt actually mean it. It's weird how i miss you soo much more now that we're "officially" over, even though for a few weeks prior we didnt really talk much. Whenever someone asks me how i feel i tell them i'm fine, but the truth is that i cant get you out of my mind and its killing me. I hate that i still find myself checking my phone to see if you've called or text me, it's like it hasnt completely registered in my mind.

I know it probably means nothing now, but i sincerely want to apologize for my bitchy comments and most of all THAT post. I think being bitchy is my way of dealing with things when i'm hurt. Like in a way i'm trying to protect myself, but i realize that thats not the best way of handling things. I hate that it took my hurting/pissing you off to realize that. . .and i'm genuinely sorry.

Brand New -"The No Seatbelt Song"

So, it's sad that doesn't suit you now.
And me fresh out of rope...
Please ignore this lisp, I never meant to sound like this.
So take me and break me and make me strong like you.
I'll be forever grateful to this and you.
It's only you, beautiful.
Or I don't want anyone.
If I can choose it's only you.
Fix me to a chain around your neck and wear me like a nickel.
Even new wine served in old skins will cheapen the taste.
I shot the pilot, now I'm begging you to fly this for me.
I'm here for you to use, broken and bruised.
Do you understand?
It's only you, beautiful.
Or don't want anyone.
If I can choose, it's only you.
But how could I miscalculate... perfect eyes will have perfect aim.
If I can choose, it's only you.
“We're wrecking” and I'm dry like a drum...
so fine I'll leave... we're spent... take our time...
measured... we slave for days.
It's only you, beautiful.
Or I don't want anyone.
If I can choose. It's only you.
But how could I miscalculate... perfect lies from a perfect hate.
If I can choose... it's only you.

I miss you beyond reason. . . i really hope that everything is going well with you

linds_dontdance @ 2004-04-06T00:34:00

2004-04-06T08:28:43Z

I cant fucking wait for wednesday to get here. Danmar and I are driving up to San Jose to check out my soon to be school and to visit Jessie. It's gonna be out of control fun. I NEED to have some fun and to get my mind off all of this BULLSHIT. I'm to the point where i'm done. I'm probably stupid for even waiting and careing up until this point, but no more, i'm emotionally drained. I mean i know i will still care, but i'm trying not too. I thought it was worth it, but you have shown me that this was a waste of time, energy and most of all tears. I thought you cared about me, but i was wrong. I was naive to think that you would change your ways just for me. . .how could i have been so fuckin stupid. I guess it was just wishful thinking. and i guess i gave you more credit than you deserve cause i thought that you would have at least told me that it was over instead of jsut dropping it and acting like nothing ever existed between us. . . once again i was wrong. now that i see how easily you forgot about me i know that you never really cared about me as much as you fuckin said, because if you did you would have handled things differently, you would have taken my feelings into consideration at some point, instead you took my heart and completely destroyed it. i can now be added to the list of people that were just there "for the moment" but that mean absolutely nothing to you. . .like you said thats how you like it, you dont get attached to people right? isnt that what you said?

I should have known that once i found the one person who makes me the happiest i've ever been that they would break my heart. i guess i jsut wasnt enough to make you happy and i cant fuckin change that. i feel stupid for falling for your words, becasue thats all they were, words. I dont know if you ever really meant any of it. but you had me hooked and i would have done anything for you.

looking back, even thought i ended up broken and looking like a fool, i would do it all over again, even knowing how it all would end. even if it was only for a couple of months we did work and i did enjoy getting to know you. . .and falling in love with you. i dont think i will ever be able to sit at the beach at night, or sit in my car, or catch the clock at 11:11 without thinking about you. there are so many fuckin things thats make me think about you, and its bitter sweet. depending on how i look at it, they can either make me happy because they remind me about how we would make eachother laugh, and how we jsut seemed to understand eachother, OR they can make me sad by reminding me about how easily i was forgotten.

Thank you karla for not telling me what i want to hear, but rather what i NEED to hear. you've helped a lot.

linds_dontdance @ 2004-04-01T13:54:00

2004-04-01T22:25:57Z

It's the first of April, and i dont know what to think. Thats because i dont know where we stand. Are we still together or are we not? Technically we've been together for 3 months today, but i honestly dont know if we are. Whether we are still together or not doesnt change that fact that today means a lot to me bacause it means that three months ago you became a big part of my life. No amount of tears that i've cried about you could ever make me wish all of this had never happened because no one has ever made me feel the way you do and i have never cared about someone as much as i do you. I LOVE YOU. . . whether or not you love me back.

I hate that even when we sort of talk about it when we hang up and i'm still lost and in the dark about what's going on. I'll give you whatever you want or need (like space or whatever) but you have to fuckin tell me what you want, or if you dont want anything. I jsut feel like i dont know whats going on or how you feel and you dont tell me anything you jsut keep saying you dont know....you dont know what?!

"My heart is in your hands."

On a better note, my sister is flying home today. She should be home when i get off work. I cant wait to see her.

linds_dontdance @ 2004-03-30T15:17:00

2004-03-30T23:58:16Z

Yesterday = random

-went to jeanette's house to meet up with her and karla
-decided it felt like a stoner day so. . .
-we called tomas to buy some weed
-smoked a few bowls then went to warren
-driving on the wrong side of the road
-karla with her fuckin MENTOS commercial
-coming within a millimeter of backing into a pole at school
-sneaking past the security guard to get into warren ahah so slick
karla
-"either you follow the rules, or leave!" what a dick
-picking up christen
-dropping off jeanette and her brother
-going back once again to tomas' to smoke a few more bowls
-Jack-in-the-Box
-waiting a fuckin hour for the ranch, then finding out is was already
in the bag
-laying on the grass at the park with that weird ass guy staring at
us

i needed that. i hadnt smoked since summer and i havent had the best couple of weeks. i've been a bit stressed out with my Assisteens ball coming up, and doing my research paper, and getting signed up for housing for next year and getting all the other contracts filled out and sent off for San Jose . . .

AND

on top of everything i've jsut felt like shit for the past couple of weeks. It fuckin sucks to feel unwanted by someone you care so much about, but i guess i cant change how she feels. . .i just wish i knew what i did or why things changed so suddenly. I try and not think about it all the time because i start crying, but it seems the more i try to not think about her, the more i do

Tonight i'm going to a bonfire. All the people i work with are on spring break right now. Hopefully it will be fun.

(karla we never got to "talk" about stuff yest. and that was the whole point of us hanging out ahaha oh well)

linds_dontdance @ 2004-03-11T14:26:00

2004-03-11T23:45:28Z

The Juliana Theory ~ The Closest Thing

You're the words that come out easy
and I am speechless at best
Your star it seems to shine above the rest
you're the face before the cameras
the smile i'd like to earn
The closest thing to perfect in a hollywood
to burn
Your the beauty that is deeper than eyes can merely see
The closest thing to perfect
but the farthest thing from me

And I'd love to be the shoulder that you cry on
and I'd love to be the friend you call when things are great

You're the dream that hasn't ended
and I'm still anxious for rest
Your words they seem to hang above my head
You're the bud before the flower
unfurls into full bloom
captivating beauty
but it may be all too soon
you're the song that writes a story but leaves alot to read
The closest thing to perfect
but the farthest thing from me

and like I really deserve a chance
to sit across a table
and tell you that I think you're wonderful
and I think you're something special
I guess this is my only chance to say
I wish I knew you because
I'm sure you're wonderful if I'd get to know you.

well babe we've made it 73 days so far. . . and this is only the beginning. I dont ever want things to change( except for the distance between us). I honestly think i am the luckiest person alive because you're the best. i never really realized how much i was missing in my life until now because i cant even imagine my life without you.

i cant fuckin wait for you to get here on the 28th. I'm dying just to get to hold you. And about a week later i'll get to go stay with you. Its gonna be out of control. As much as i hate not getting to see you every minute of every day i think it makes us or at least me appriciate the time we do get to be together even more. And once the summer comes and i will get to see you all the time i will look back and remember these first few months and appriciate any time i get with you. . . It drives me crazy when i see couples who seem to take eachother for granted. They dont understand how lucky they are.

I LOVE YOU so much babe

I miss you

2004-01-31T23:21:24Z

Please don't say I love you,
those words touch me much too deeply
and they make my core tremble
Don't think you realize the effect you have over me
And please don't come so close
It just makes me want to make you near me always
Please don't kiss me so sweet
it makes me crave a thousand kisses to follow
And please don't touch me like that
makes every other embrace seem pale and shallow
Please don't look at me like that
it just makes me want to make you near me always
Please don't send me flowers
they only whisper the sweet things you'd say
Don't try to understand me
your hands already know too much anyway
It just makes me want to make you near me always
And when you look in my eyes
please know my heart is in your hands
It's nothing that I understand, but when in your arms
you have complete power over me
So be gentle if you please, 'cause
Your hands are in my hair, but my heart is in your teeth
And it makes me want to make you near me always
I want to be near you always
I want to be near you always
I want to be near you always

"Near You Always" ~Jewel

i miss you so much.
.
.
.
6 more days

linds_dontdance @ 2004-01-28T21:45:00

2004-01-29T06:23:48Z

Wow what a fuckin weekend

from the moment i got your call friday night saying you were coming down my heart started to race with excitement and i'll be honest a bit of nervousness, but as soon as you walked in the door at my work all my nervous feelings went away and i was just so happy to see you (thank you so much for my flower...i la la loved it)

at the time i was so pissed when we got to joni's party and it was getting shut down, but it ended up working out for the better and of course with our luck ever movie theater was closed

i loved sitting my my car just talking and laughing for hours
i loved holding your clammy hand
i loved buckling your seatbelt for you ahahahahh
i loved looking at the nonexistent clouds ahahahah
i loved our random trip to 7-11 at 3 in the morning
i loved driving to the beach at 4 AM to wait for the sun rise
i loved lying on the cold sand with you without a blanket for hours
i loved 5:55 **
i loved our random pothead and jogger and almost getting ran over by the lifeguard truck before the sun came up
i loved going to breakfast looking like trash and having an audience
i loved going to the park

i HATED Araceli coming to pick you up

xoxox

La La La

2004-01-20T07:16:42Z

Such a feeling's coming over me
There is wonder in most everything I see
Not a cloud in the sky
But the sun in my eyes
And I wouldn't be surprised that its a dream

Everything I was about to be
Is now coming true especially for me
And the reason is clear
It's because you are here
You're the nearest thing to heaven that I see

I'm on the top of the world
Down on creation
And the only explanation I can find
Is the love that I've found
Ever since you've been around
Yea that puts me on the top of the world

Something in the water is taking over me
And it's telling me the things I'll never say
And the leaves on the trees, and the touch of the breeze
There's a place and sense of happiness for me

There is only one wish on my mind
When the day is through I hope that I will find
That tomorrow will be
Just the same for you and me
All I need will be mine if you will share

On the top of the world
And she's down on creation
And the only explanation I can find
Is the love that I've found
Ever since you've been around
Yeah that puts me on the top of the world

"Top of the World" by Bjork

Yea, umm...well this pretty much sums up how i've been feeling lately. i dont know what it is about you but you make me feel a way that i have never felt before....and i thank you for that...because i am so happy and its all because of you.

These past 19 days have seemed more like months...i feel like i know you so well but at the same time like there is so much more i cant wait to find out.

When we're not on the phone or texting eachother i'm thinking about you. Everyday i am exhausted because we stay up on the phone forever, but i wouldnt have it any other way, i love hearing your voice, and your "ewws" and i'll admit i even enjoy your "uh huh"s. I love that i can tell you everything and i have no doubt that you do the same.

i hope this takes me off probation hahaha
i'm counting the days until i can see you
xoxoxo